Gaps
by DanishCookieBlueBox
Summary: A series of one shots on what I think happened between Han and Leia between Episode IV and Episode V.
1. Celebrating

**Yavin IV, right after the celebration for the destruction of the first Death Star.**

He'd decided to pursue her from the very beginning.

 _"I don't know who you are or where you came from, but from now on you'll do as I tell you, okay?"_

She was the first challenge in quite a bunch of years that really got him going.

He felt gratitude towards his softer side that had forced him to stick around Luke. The kid was good and Han was happy he had saved him and his rebel friends' asses after all. Still, he was far happier for the medal that now weighed against his sternum. Because everybody knows that women – and certainly the Princess, as cold as she wanted to appear, was a woman – love heroes – and certainly the medal showed that he was one. He'd saved everybody's day: it was about time she recognized the fact and showed some appreciation.

He found her in the observation room of the temple, engaged in conversation with General Dodonna. Said conversation seemed to have already come to an end, anyway, as he heard the General say "I'll keep you adjourned, then. Have a nice evening, Princess Leia".

Han accepted Dodonna's polite words of congratulations with an appropriate smile that was meant to please her unshakable diplomacy. He let it fade, anyway, as Dodonna passed him. Han approached her slowly, waiting for the General's steps to be swallowed by the largeness of the temple: he wanted them to be alone.

"What do you need to be adjourned on, your Highness?"

His words, the smirk on his face, the fact that he was leaving in a few days regardless what she said or did or his mere presence when she wanted to be alone, finally, after weeks of forced company and hard moments: she didn't know which irritated her the most.

"It's none of your business, Captain. Especially since you are leaving us"

"Maybe it's something interesting that'll keep me around a while longer... Isn't that what you'd like?"

"Stop it, Han, I'm not in the mood"

In the mood for fighting or in the mood for admitting that she _did_ want him around a bit longer? The look on her face told him that she would not react well to the question.

"As you wish, your Worship"

"Yeah, whatever", she barked, waving an irritated hand at him, "will you go away now, please?"

"No"

"No?"

She couldn't help the desperate quiver in her voice. She really _needed_ to be alone. She needed silence and an empty room to finally take in the events of the past weeks. To take in the fact that now she was alone in the galaxy, for example.

"What is it that you want, Han? What do I have to do so that you'll finally leave me alone?"

Her voice was perilously edgy and that should have stopped him. But it didn't.

"Oh c'mon, Princess! Is this medal the only reward I get?"

She shot him a glare that could have killed.

Money. Money was the only thing he cared for. She felt like screaming and in the end lost her internal war, lost her reticence to let herself get angry, lost her control. She snapped. Weeks of frustration, exasperation, desperation came up and gathered in her womb, detonating in waves of sheer rage that came to crush against his head.

"Money! The only thing you think about, the only thing you are in for! You already got what Obi Wan had promised you, what else do you want? Most of our money was on Alderaan! On Alderaan, understood? We have no money, it's all gone. Everything is... gone!"

Pulverized. He knew. He'd heard Riekaan talk about that. He'd also heard that Alderaan was her home and in a rare attempt at empathy he'd asked himself what it could feel like to have everything you knew and loved pulverized.

But he hadn't been talking about money. That was not what he wanted. He tried to tell her, but she was too far gone, the obvious lump in her throat had her choking on her invectives, her face was red and her eyes were almost glistening – or was it the light that made them look so? He held out his hands in an attempt to calm her fury.

"Don't you dare touch me!"

But since he kept trying to reach her and she was by now blinded by rage, she slapped him, hard and sudden, on the cheek.

The echo of the slap resounded in the empty room, followed by her gasp.

"I'm sorry", she mumbled, now completely still, hands against her mouth, eyes wide in shock and shame.

Han wasn't as shocked. He knew he'd had it coming and accepted it with some kind of grace. He was actually happy she had let go in some way. He took her by the shoulders, a soft sideways smile playing on his lips.

"You have a nice blow, Princess", he said, winking.

"Anyway, money's not what I wanted"

He was too close to her and she was way too confused by his behaviour – and hers, by the way – so a graceful "Oh?" was the most articulate response she came up with. She felt his hands slide down her arms, lightly caressing her clothed skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind, and finally depart from her. She shivered.

"You know what I want", he said.

But she was not sure she did really. As he looked into her puzzled eyes, he was not sure anymore if he himself knew.

"C'mon, just a small kiss to show me your gratitude. I'm your saviour after all"

He had meant to kiss her all the time when he'd walked down the aisle, as she'd put the medal around his neck, as he'd walked up the stairs to the observation room. Now he'd be more than satisfied if she didn't strangle him. He'd be more than satisfied if she just laughed at him. Actually, he'd love to see her laugh for once.

But she was actually thinking about it. He was smiling a smile genuinely amused at his own strange request and she could see a little something glimmer in his eyes. She wondered what that might be, whether hope or mischief. She didn't want to be fooled by him.

But she did want to be kissed by him. What hurt could one kiss do? She had nothing to lose anymore. And he was leaving after all, she expected no consequences. She realized she wanted – maybe needed – some kind of comfort and that he could provide at the same time that comfort and a distraction from the numbing pain that wouldn't leave her chest. Maybe a kiss would make her feel alive – or just feel something, anything again: it would be enough for her. She didn't want to resist him and decided she didn't have to.

She looked at the entrance of the room and considered that they probably wouldn't be interrupted. She leaned against the wall, smiling, silently giving him consent and watched as his eyes widened for the shortest while in surprise. He clearly wasn't expecting her to say yes. He recovered quickly, anyway, and started descending on her. When she felt his breath on her lips, she stopped him bringing a finger between their mouths.

"One", she whispered, "I grant you one only"

Then she removed the finger and allowed him to kiss her.

Her experience with kisses consisted of her first kiss with Kif, the gardener's son at the palace, and a kiss stolen by a delirious rebel who died two days later because the medical droid was broken and she didn't know how to perform a transfusion. He had called her Maylee, so probably it wasn't even her he was kissing in his mind. That was it, anyway. Both Kif and the man had simply pressed their lips against hers and she thought that was all kisses were about. Kif's lips had been wet and warm and had sent butterflies flying throughout her stomach and that seemed enough to her.

She was more than surprised when she felt Han's tongue caress her lower lip. She opened her eyes and saw him with his eyes still closed, intent on kissing her. Or trying to, let's say.

He felt her freeze in his arms and opened his eyes to find her watching him with a very confused look on her face. The situation made him smile.

"Open your mouth, Sweetheart", he whispered against her lips, before resuming his task.

She blushed, bewildered at herself that he'd had to tell her what to do and irritated at him for not finiding a better way to put it. Still, she did as she was told. She shuddered when she felt his tongue push in her mouth and felt him smile some more. That sent her totally raging at him, at his arrogance. He was laughing at her. She thought of pushing him away, but then thought better and pressed her tongue against his, kissing him back hard. Anyway, after a while of battling with his tongue, anger was decidedly not what she felt for him anymore.

Suddenly she remembered she had granted him only one kiss and realized she didn't know how to count them. They had been kissing for a while without parting, did it count like one?

At a certain point he released her lips to let them both catch their breaths and she realised her head had been spinning for the lack of oxygen. Her mind had barely formed the thought that probably that was the end of the kiss he'd been allowed, when he captured her lips again.

It was better this time, she knew what to expect and what to do. Still he surprised her a few times when he grazed his teeth against her bottom lip. He surely was good at what they were doing. Not that she'd tell him, anyway.

Their bodies had grown closer in the meanwhile and now there were not many parts of her that didn't adhere to his. He was literally pressing her into the wall. The notion sent excited waves to her womb and she felt something wild stir deep inside her. It was no butterflies. It was much, much more powerful and she didn't quite know what to make of it.

Again he parted his lips from hers, but kept his body tightly pressed against hers. She couldn't breath properly, but didn't feel like complaining about it. She looked at his face and saw the marks her blow had left on his cheek. She touched them lightly with the point of her fingers.

"I'm sorry, Han", she mumbled.

"I'm not", he replied with a smirk, "Actually, it quite turned me on"

She laughed at that, throwing her head back a little. He caught the chance to kiss her neck.

The shiver that erupted throughout her body made her realize that things were evolving pretty quickly. She tried to gain time putting words between them.

"Captain, I can clearly remember that you were allowed to one kiss only. Do you ever play by the rules?"

The relaxed smile on her face was what he had always wanted to see. Brilliant, like a shining sun. He just smiled back and kissed her again, softly, tenderly this time, while she was still smiling.

But the noise of steps climbing up the stairs could be heard and they abruptly parted. Leia smoothed her dress as best as she could. As Riekaan's figure stepped in, she had already regained her royal composure and the steely look in her eyes. One would never have guessed the two had spent the past ten minutes making out.

"Then I guess this is it, Captain Solo", she said.

For a moment he just looked at her in utter shock, then he nodded slightly, keeping his eyes fixed on hers with a strange look on his face. As good a sabacc player as he was, he couldn't really keep up with the perfectly calm expression that had settled on her features. Somebody should have taught her sabacc, she'd have made a wonderful player.

Riekaan watched the pair and, as much as he tried to look for evidence of what he suspected had happened between them, he could find none. The only palpable signs were Solo's mysterious gaze and the evident tension between him and Leia. But that, Riekaan knew, meant nothing. It was the air that had changed between them, he could feel it. And – oh, those marks on Solo's cheek. Five small and thin fingers. Maybe things hadn't gone down the path he'd imagined, after all.

He searched Leia's face as the Corellian captain retreated down the hallway and found her serene. That was all that counted, he decided. All that he needed to know.


	2. Apologizing

**Yavin IV, three months after the destruction of the Death Star.**

"What did you think you were doing?"

Leia's voice was loud and it echoed in Han's ears. She stood on one end of a long table, next to a very sad and disappointed Luke and a very unreadable Riekaan. She was quite short, especially if compared to her company, but as she shouted she didn't look small or fragile at all. She looked dangerous, actually. She probably could have killed him, if only she were given the chance.

Han was on the other end of the table, his hands cuffed. Next to him was Chewie, uncuffed, instead: remembering his time as a slave, he had fought hard when the soldiers had tried to bind him. Luke had whispered something in Leia's ear and she had ordered to leave him as he was. The soldiers had looked at her oddly, but her authoritative tone accepted no questions nor replies and they had done as they'd been told.

"If you only let me explain, Princess..."

"Explain what? You flew away with our treasure! How could you do something like that to us?"

He'd been asking himself the same question for the past couple of weeks.

"I'll tell you how: you're nothing more than a selfish bastard! That's how! You just care for yourself and no-one else. We should have never trusted you"

And she should have never let him kiss her. She would have told him, but guessed that Luke and Riekaan really didn't need to know _that_. She made a mental note of it for herself. For the future. It read: 'Never let a smuggler fuck up your mind'.

Then she shifted her gaze on the tall, furry figure next to Han.

"And I'm surprised at you, Chewie. I did expect something like that from him, but I thought you still had a conscience!"  
Chewie's gaze casted down in shame at Leia's words, even though he had been the one who'd told Han right from the start that what he'd wanted to do was wrong.

Leia had thought that this confrontation would have made her feel better. But it didn't really. The weight that rested on her chest apparently couldn't be shaken off shouting at him – or maybe she just had to try harder. But she didn't know what to say anymore.

"Can I speak now?"

"If you must"

Her tone suddenly sounded drained, defeated, as if it were her being cuffed next to Chewie and him shouting at her.

"I did mean to steal the treasure"

Leia let out the breath she'd been holding. She had been hoping he had an explanation, after all, but it didn't sound like he had one. She felt like a shower of cold water wash over her, but didn't let it show. Riekaan's mouth twitched just a little. Luke's gaze dropped to the ground, the little hope that he had stubbornly cradled now completely vanished.

"I sold it to the best acquirer to get some cash"

He'd made the best out of it. But he was not proud of it. He'd stolen often in his life, sometimes to survive, sometimes just to make money. Still, never before this moment had he felt like a thief.

Riekaan's gaze dropped like Luke's had moments before and Han could clearly see now that he was displeased. Only Leia stared back at him without blinking.

"But then I felt guilty"

Luke's face lit up with wonder and hope, again. The boy probably had already forgiven him. Han didn't know whether the thought made him want to smile or cry.

"I decided to come back. I bought the operational system parts you needed from a friend of mine. I didn't spend much, he owed me a favour. If you search through my cargo you'll find that what I said is true"

Luke looked expectantly at Riekaan as the General took the comlink out of his pocket. Leia just kept staring at Han with the blankest look he'd ever seen. Her eyes hadn't softened as he had hoped.

"Commander Biggs, what did you find on the _Falcon_?"  
"There were two stocks of those operational system parts we couldn't find and quite a lot of money, Sir"

Han smirked and fixed his eyes on the Princess's.

"Did you really think I was as stupid as flying in your orbit after I stole from you, Sweetheart?"

Her left eye twitched in irritation at his words, but she didn't reply. It was the biggest reaction he'd been able to get out of her since he'd started talking. He tried to convince himself that it was good that, at least, she had not killed him yet, but it wasn't really. She just kept gazing into his eyes, as if trying to understand what the hell had passed through his mind. Maybe when she found out she could tell him, 'cause he had no idea.

"What do we do with them, then?", asked Riekaan.

"We let them go"

Her face was a mask of cold stone. Without another word, she turned and exited the room.

Luke smiled brightly as he uncuffed him.

"I knew you would never do something like that!"

But actually he _had_ done something like that. Only, he'd felt like shit right after. That didn't change the fact that he _was_ a selfish bastard. But Luke hugged him as if Han had been all the while the honest and innocent guy mistakenly accused. For a moment he wished he were the good person the boy believed him to be.

But the kid was going to be let down. He was no good. He was trouble, and it was better if he left soon, before he could make further damage in the already shaky relationship he had with him. And with Leia. Especially with Leia.

"Luke, listen: I'll catch up with you later. I need to do something now"

He left the kid to be overwhelmed by Chewie's hug and rushed out the room to find her.

She'd been walking slowly, trying to digest the events the past few weeks had fed her. He'd kissed her and stupidly she'd expected him to stay... she really should have known better. He'd left. With their treasure. She had denounced him herself and ordered for him to be captured. And then it came out that he'd let himself get caught. It came out that he'd bought them those operational system parts they'd been looking for for months. It came out that he'd meant to give everything back to the Alliance. Resentment and relief dwelled inside her mind for prevalence.

Someone grabbed her hand and spun her around. Even before she could see him, she instinctively knew that it was him.

"What now?"

She'd meant to sound cold and detached. Distant. She almost didn't recognize the tired sound of her voice.

He took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry"

He couldn't remember the last time he'd apologized and actually meant it.

She sighed and her chin quivered. She looked down and started to turn around.

"Don't do it again", she whispered over her shoulder with a small, incredibly quiet voice.

He dropped her hand and watched her as she disappeared through the corridors.


	3. Toasting

_A big thank you to those who reviewed and to those who followed. Here's the new chapter, hope you enjoy!  
_

 **Yavin IV, 1 ABY.**

"What are you doing here?"

He'd gone to the supply storage room because he needed to be alone. He had Chewie all over his back since when he'd started to talk about leaving. The fact was that the thing with the Rebellion was quickly becoming too much of a commitment to his likings. The thing with Luke and Leia was becoming too much of a commitment. Probably it already _was_ a commitment. He had to walk away, why didn't Chewie agree this time? He'd always been more than fine with Han's decision of keeping them both on their own so far.

"I could ask you the very same thing", she replied, her eyebrows raised in slight amusement. He'd just entered the room and she had already managed to piss him off. And before she could say anything. That was totally a new achievement of hers.

He could see some kind of grin hidden in her face. Still, even though her chin was raised, her shoulders looked quite slumped and as he looked better he saw that her eyes were a little puffy. His irritation vanished almost instantly as he caught her face drop when she thought he wasn't looking at her anymore.

"Leia? Are you okay?"

"Yes"

"Really? 'Cause it doesn't look like you are to me"

Leia sighed and looked back at him. He could bet that she was pondering whether tell him what was going on in her mind or not.

"It's just... It's been a year since the Death Star"

Already? He hadn't noticed. Time had literally flown between a mission here and a mission there. Besides, he had not really been paying attention to the date lately: everyday at the base was like the day before. Or the day after. Apparently, she still counted the days. She didn't look like one that wanted to celebrate, though.

Then it dawned on him. A year since the Death Star meant a year since her planet had been swept away. A year she woke up every morning conscious that there was nothing left of her family, friends, of the places where she had grown up, of the things she'd known and maybe loved.

He'd never seen her grieve and suspected that, if he got out the room and asked around, he'd find that nobody else ever had. He felt somehow privileged and wondered if Luke had ever seen her like this. But probably he had: the kid looked like a good person to grieve with.

He needed to say something, but didn't know what. She was opening up and he didn't want to spoil the moment. He didn't know if he could relate to her pain. He didn't remember his native planet nor his parents. What do you say to a person that has lost everything? He'd rarely had anything to lose. "It must hurt"? Of course it must. "I'm sorry for your loss"? Of course he was. Everything he came up with sounded too formal or lame or just didn't convey his feelings. Then he remembered something.

"Come to the Falcon tonight"

Her eyes shot up to meet his. Of all times, he'd seriously choose this moment to make a move with her?

"For dinner, I mean", he added, realizing that his words didn't sound too good.

She looked at him skeptically, but relaxed a little.

"I don't think you should be alone. Besides, I've got something for you"

"I bet you do", she bit back, an open grin finally spreading across her features.

Han smirked, glad that smart-ass princess had finally kicked back in.

"I'm serious here, Princess. It's something I never had the chance to give to you... I think this might be the right time"

He did look serious. And if she looked better and deeper in his eyes, she could catch a glimpse of something that could have been described as fondness.

"And what might that be?"

He grinned.

"Well, it's a surprise"

A surprise. The twenty year old girl she would have been had the circumstances been different surfaced on her features as her eyes widened in delight.

"Seven thirty? Might that suit you?"

She nodded.

"Good. I'll ask Luke too"

She huffed inwardly at the stab of disappointment she felt at that. What did she expect? A date?

"If you weren't thinking of a more... intimate encounter", he added with a smirk. So he'd caught her expression, damn her.

"Luke's presence will be a great pleasure, Captain"

Han chuckled.

"See you at half past seven, then, your Worship".

* * *

At seven thirty she climbed up the Falcon's ramp.

"Han? Chewie?"

There was nobody around.

"Coming, Princess", she heard Han shout from his cabin, "I'll be a minute, find yourself a seat"

She sat on the lounge in the common room. Her legs couldn't keep still though. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was wasting time. In the middle of a war, every spare second should be employed in studying plans, attacks, missions. She could think of at least ten reviews she could have gone through instead of being on the Falcon that evening. People had died – her whole planet had died – while she had survived... to be sitting on a lounge, waiting to get her surprise.

"Glad you found the seat without a valet, your Worship"

His comment shook her from her thoughts. Oh, she'd forgotten he could be _so_ charming. She opened her mouth to reply, but he didn't let her.

"You're terrificly on time, by the way"

A princess always needed to be. A smuggler, apparently, didn't. She bit back a nasty retort – she didn't want to start the evening like that.

"Where's Luke?", she asked instead.

"Ah, he said he'll be late. He messed something up on his patrol – didn't exactly understand what – and now he has to clean up the whole mess room. He said he hopes to turn up at eight thirty, though"

Leia chuckled. It was typical of Luke to do foolish things that costed him a punishment. He was so naïve sometimes.

"And Chewie?"

"He realized we had no more salt and went to take some from the kitchen"

She put her hands on her hips.

"Han!"

"What? It's not like we're stealing or anything, we'll take just what we need not to have your meal taste of nothing, your Worship..."

"Han", she repeated and waited for him to look at her.

"You invite people for dinner and Chewie's the one who gets to cook? 'T doesn't look quite fair to me"

He realized she was teasing him and smirked.

"Hey, he insisted on doing it. He said he doesn't mind cooking for the people he likes"

Actually, Chewie's words had been "I'll show the Princess I'd make a much better party than you and the Luke kid put together", but Han wasn't willing to report it to her.

Leia chuckled bitterly.

"And I called him a walking carpet"

"Well, you were quite stressed at the time. He doesn't hold it against you"

She nodded, but he didn't like the grim shadow that had settled on her face.

"Come, I'll show you the surprise"

"Shouldn't we wait for the others?"

"The surprise is for you, the others will benefit of it later"

She didn't have time to wonder what he was talking about, as he took her forearm and dragged her through the corridors to the storage compartment. Once there, he knelt and re-emerged with a bottle in his hands. He turned the bottle and showed her the label. It read "Alderaanian Ale" and below "An unmistakable taste". Leia's jaw dropped. She'd never thought she'd drink it again.

"Han..."

"Shh. For once in your life, don't say anything"

He knelt again and came up with a bar blade, then out of who knows where he picked a glass. He handed her the glass, opened the bottle and poured the liquid inside.

"To Alderaan", he said.

Her mind was flowing in a state of daze. She felt very happy and very sad at the same time, something that had never occurred to her. She brought the glass to her mouth, but didn't sip the ale. She closed her eyes and simply inhaled the strong scent. Then, eyes still closed, she swallowed the yellow liquid and smiled.

Her sixteenth birthday started playing in her head like a hologram. Her first sip on a glass of ale. Lots of people talking and smiling in the garden – Tarkin too had been there. She didn't want to remember him. She wanted to remember the fireworks that had been set for her, how she'd watched the show on the balcony above the garden, hugged to her father and her mother. Winter had turned to her. She'd flashed her the brightest smile Leia had ever seen. Green, yellow and red explosions in the sky.

Green, yellow, red. Again. This time a planet exploding in space. She had still trouble thinking it was her home. She'd wanted to move, she'd wanted to fight, but she couldn't. She'd wanted to shout, but she couldn't, an invisible force had held her back. In her shocked daze, she'd only managed to think of how beautiful Alderaan looked even as it exploded.

She forced her eyes open, desperately trying to wipe the images from her mind.

"You know, they say that the first glass is the best", she said warily, and watched him smile. She really liked his smile. Not his smirk, no, But his smile, yes. It made her feel soft inside.

She was about to suggest that he took a sip from her first glass when she felt her face muscles spasm and realized with shock that she was about to cry. She tried to fight it, but tears slipped from her eyes and wetted her cheeks. She touched them in a strange state of stupor.

When she was a child, her father used to say she had the biggest tears in the galaxy.

Her father was dead, so was her mother and so millions of her people. For weeks she had not thought about it. For months it had been a far knowledge in the back of her mind. After a year, finally, the reality of it crashed against her. Alderaan was nowhere now. Those people gathered in the garden for her birthday... They were nowhere now. It was difficult to accept that they all had died.

It was difficult to accept that she was still alive.

Han took the glass from her as she brought her hands to her face and sobbed, her chest shaking violently. Her knees buckled and he caught her in his arms.


	4. Leaving

Yavin IV, 2 ABY.

"Stop it, Han"

"Stop what? I'm only concerned about your well being, your Highness"

Leia snorted sarcastically.

"If you were concerned about my well being you wouldn't be leaving tomorrow"

Han opened his mouth. He hadn't expected such a confession and didn't exactly know how to react to it.

"Besides, my well being has never been any of your business", she added out of habit, trying to hide what she had just exposed.

Han was tired of the one-step-forward-and-two-back routine. He wanted her to speak clearly for once in her life and drop that damn sabacc face, drop the coolness and get deep and dirty with feelings and emotions, as deep and dirty as he was.

"Really, Princess? None of my business? I recall it was my business quite a few times"

"Do you want me to express my gratitude? Thank you. Very much. Now, are we finished?"

"I just want to know if you are okay, Leia, I didn't think it was such a big deal!"

Leia was not okay. She had done her best for two years not to aknowledge any feelings she might have towards him. And still, now that he was leaving, it was like a hole was being digged through her heart. A hole that expanded every hour that passed.

She needed to concentrate on her tasks. She had people relying on her, people she had to get from Yavin IV to the new Echo Base. She couldn't afford herself the luxury of making a mistake because she was thinking about a man. And now he was following her around like a puppy, desperately trying to get from her what she wasn't willing to give. It was _so_ not okay.

"I have things to do", she said, pausing in the hallway, trying to remember what it actually was that she had been doing, "and I don't understand what more you want from me. You needed to tell me you were leaving? You did. Now go, leave"

"So that's it, your Highness?"

Of course that was it. She didn't make a sound and went on through the hallway pretending he wasn't there. But he wouldn't be so easily discouraged.

"Are we seriously having this conversation again, Leia?"

She noticed how it was back to Leia now, and how his voice had raised. She could have asked the same question. Actually, she had been avoiding him all day not to have that conversation.

They had now reached the equipment room. Sensing their talk was quickly evolving into another shouting match of theirs, the other rebels that were there hastily fled from the room.

"I didn't want to have this conversation, that's why I asked you to leave me alone"

As she heard herself shout, Leia realized she had lost her patience. So be it: he wanted to raise voices, she could raise hers too.

"But since you insist on following me, yes, we'll have this conversation again!"

She didn't want him to leave and she didn't want him to know that. But still he was leaving and still he was making her feel vulnerable. She nervously paced the room.

"Why do you never drop it when I ask you to? Why do you always have to push?"

She felt almost good. The headache that had been hammering in her head for weeks was quickly dissipating. She didn't even know anymore what it was about, but as long as the fight released the tension that had coiled in her head since he'd said he was leaving, she was fine with it. She realized that was probably what he'd been pushing her to from the beginning and the thought made her smile and wince at the same time. He knew her well. He knew her too well.

Han was following her closely as she shouted almost incoherent, aggressive ramblings. The room being now deserted, he dared reach out for her and caught an arm. He wanted her to look at him. She needed to understand that he had to go. He _had_ to.

"Stop, Han, let go!"

But he was not letting go of her. If it were up to him only, he'd never let go of her.

"I'm going to hurt you, I swear!"

She was squirming and hitting his chest with her free hand and pulling her other arm to free it from his grasp. Trying to stop her little fight, he pushed her against the wall, hands pinned on each side of her head.

"Let go of me", she hissed dangerously. But then her eyes betrayed her as they slipped from his eyes to his mouth. He considered that if he wasn't getting approval from her mind, he surely was from her body, and watched her frown slightly as she realized the slip. He kissed her then and there, not to let her think too much about it.

It was not a gentle kiss and he didn't want her to like it. He was angry that she didn't want to hear his reasons and that was what he was trying to show. But it was not easy when she was kissing back, giving just what she was taking. As she always did.

He let go of her hands and grabbed her waist, pushing her deeper into the wall. Her hands started running through his hair, tugging lightly at it. She felt so good. His hands started caressing her sides, finally coming to rest against her ribs, his thumbs stroking the undersides of her breasts. His lips parted from hers and she let out a soft whimper.

They were both panting. He bent down, brought a hand to take the roll-down collar of her dress out of his way and started kissing her neck. He heard her call him and cupped her sex in response. She instinctively pressed against his hand and clutched her arms tightly against him. She sighed.

"Han, please"

Her hands were pushing against his chest now, cupping his face, lifting it from her neck. She watched him with dilated eyes. Her voice was a little tense, but the expression on her face told him she had been enjoying herself lately, after all, and he made to go back to her neck.

"No. No. Han, we can't"

He grunted in frustration.

"We can't? What about _you_ can't? 'Cause it seems to me that I perfectly can"

"Okay, okay. _I_ can't. Let go now"

He quickly put a good metre of distance between them and she instantly regretted her decision. But they were in a common room. And he was leaving the next day.

"Are you happy now, your Worship?"

She didn't verbally reply, but shot him a sideways look that showed just how _happy_ she was with the whole situation. She fixed her dress and her hair while he watched her with an unreadable expression on his face. She didn't remember anymore why they didn't kiss like that every day.

She saw him take a breath and open his mouth to say something. And then close it, as steps resounded down the hallway. Were they always going to be interrupted? His face distended into a sad smile, as if sensing her thoughts.

When General Willard came to stand by the door, Han nodded at her, then at the General, and made his way out, uncharacteristically silent.

Willard gave her a good look, then started talking about soldiers and provisions and Echo Base and Imperial freighters. But Leia was still thinking about Han, about what he had not said.

"Are you okay, Leia?"

That snapped her out of her daze.

"Yes, of course", she replied, just a little too quickly for Willard to believe her.

"Probably it's none of my business but... Was Captain Solo... _bothering_ you?"

Leia chuckled without humor.

"Of course he was. That's his favourite hobby"

Only then did she realize that was not what Willard had meant.

"Ah. Oh. No, General, it's not like that. He was... We..."

She couldn't describe in any way what they had been doing, nor explain what their problem with each other was. But she didn't _need_ to explain anything. She cleared the confusion in her mind and with a steady voice added:

"It's nothing to worry about. Ah, he's leaving, anyway"

Willard looked for a sign of human emotion in her words, in her face, and found none.

He'd known her since the day her father had brought her to Alderaan's palace. She'd been a cute, small bundle of warm skin and soft hair. Years later, each time he visited he would find her running to him with a bunch of flowers, her dress heavily stained with grass and dirt - no, she'd never looked like a princess. But she truly was in her heart.

She was a terrificly intelligent child. She'd been trained for the Senate, she'd been trained as a leader, she'd been trained to stay calm and cool in the most impossible situations. But he always remebered that happy smile of hers as she handed him the flowers. This utter coldness she shielded herself with, this inexpressiveness she hid behind... It didn't belong to her.

In the past few years, he'd seen her laugh once – once only. She was in the mess room. Skywalker was on her side, Solo on the other.

"I thought he would join", he replied, testing the waters.

"So did everyone"

Her answer was dry enough for Willard to say she was let down.

"Maybe he just needs some space. I could send him on a mission, a long one maybe. He'll have some time for himself... some time to think about his decision. Or, better, rethink about his decision"

"I'm not sure..."

Leia leaned against the wall, suddenly feeling drained. She wasn't sure she wanted Willard to say that kind of things. She wasn't sure she wanted to agree to that.

"We need to get supplies from the Aparo Sector. Would Captain Solo like it?"

She just shrugged in response, a gesture she didn't allow herself in anybody else's presence.

The shrug took Willard back to Alderaan's palace, where a very young and very stubborn Princess once had given him a very similar shrug. But that had been an "I don't care" shrug full of adolescent pride and arrogance, while this one was much more an "I don't think it's going to work anyway" kind of shrug. The only kind of shrug he'd been getting from her these days. He cared for her. He wanted to see her that young, careless and shrugging again.

"I'll tell him tomorrow. I'm sure that he won't turn his back on us. He never did"

Leia shook her head.

"We don't really have to do it. He's just a smuggler... There's plenty of them working for us from time to time"

But she didn't mean it.

"He's precious. A good captain, a natural leader, a loyal person. Unlike most smugglers, he never took more than he had asked for and has never refused a mission"

"I never knew you liked him so much", said Leia, a somewhat amused and surprised smile on her face. So Solo had been making friends around even if he didn't want to.

"I like who you like, Princess. And I trust who you trust. I'll tell you the truth, other generals around here don't like him, but I do see his qualities. And even if I didn't see them, I wouldn't question your judgement. If you want him around, I'll keep him around"

Willard had the impression, for a fraction of second, that her chin quivered. Then she nodded.

"Okay"

She bit her lower lip.

"Okay. Thank you, General".


	5. Coming Back

_**AN:** Chapter re-edited after a guest reviewer made me notice it lacked formatting. I had kind of forgotten to divide the two parts of the chapter. I must have been thinking about something else when I published this! Sorry about that. This is how I meant it to be like. Enjoy  
_

 **Echo Base, 2 and a half ABY**.

Han didn't know what he was doing. He must have lost his head somewhere during his journey.

Chewie smirked at Han's nervousness. He tried to ignore the wookie's smug face as he reached for the comlink.

" _Millennium Falcon_ to Echo Base. This is Captain Solo speaking. Do you copy?"

In the command centre Leia and Riekaan went silent and stared at each other. It was Leia who grabbed the comlink.

"Han. What are you doing back here?"

Her tone couldn't have been colder.

"Oh, hello there, your Worship. How are you doing?"

"Cut the crap, Han"

A couple of officials turned to look at her. They probably had never heard her swearing... he managed to bring such vulgarity out of her.

"What do you want?"

"Permission to land"

Leia couldn't believe it. He'd left a couple of days before, said he wasn't coming back.

"Do you need repairs?"

She hated that, after all, her voice sounded a little worried.

"No, I don't need anything. Actually, I have a couple of things to give you"

She shared a look with Riekaan, that looked pleasantly surprised.

"Permission granted, Captain. You can land in hangar 7"

"Good. See you soon, then, Princess"

* * *

"We weren't expecting you to be back"

It was Riekaan who spoke to him as he descended the ramp. Han noticed that the general was armed and wasn't sure if they were welcoming him back or making sure he wasn't bringing Imperials with him. Probably both. Close to the general stood only Leia, unarmed, but with a look in her eyes that alone could have harmed him pretty bad.

"Yeah, me neither. I kind of... smuggled food supplies. I brought them to you"

He'd stolen them, but he knew that they didn't want to know that.

"Why would you smuggle food supplies?", asked the General, and Han could tell he was fearing a trap. Well, he couldn't blame him. If he were in his position, he would have been suspicious too.

"Well, I didn't exactly _intend_ on smuggling food. It was kind of... accidental. I just... picked the wrong cargo. I was looking for gold, ended up with potatoes instead"

Silence filled the hangar for a moment. Chewbacca tried not to laugh, but eventually lost it. Han rolled his eyes at him.

"Yeah, you're still laughing, aren't you? Anyway, I don't even know where to place it on the market. You're always lacking of something and I thought... I mean, you want them, don't you?"

Riekaan could tell when a man was looking for redemption, and judging by the nervous glances the smuggler shot the Princess - whose stare had never left his eyes, by the way - he could tell that Solo was looking for it.

"Sure, Captain", he replied, "How much do you want for your service?"

Han shrugged.

"I don't know. What you think is fair"

"Fine. I suggest that we fix a price tomorrow: it's quite late now, soon the shield doors will be closed. You could sleep here on the base and leave tomorrow"

"Actually, we'd prefer if..."

Chewie interrupted him with a long and articulated growl.  
"All right, all right. We'll be glad to take on your offer, General"

"Good", replied Riekaan with a kind smile, "Have a nice evening, then"

The man glanced at Leia, who was still staring at Solo, and turned. The Princess turned too and they started walking back to the command centre.

"Leia"

She stopped and turned as Riekaan, who knew better than to stop too, walked past her.

"What?"

"I'm glad you're okay"

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm okay too. Anything else?"

Riekaan inwardly laughed at that and decided he had to walk away more quickly not to listen to the fight that surely was coming.

"What now, your Worship? Two days ago you didn't want me to leave, but now you don't look too happy that I'm back. Maybe you should make up your mind!"

That was what set her up. How dared he, she wondered.

"I should make up my mind? What about you? You said you weren't coming back, if I recall correctly"

And what it had done to her heart. And what it now did to her heart that he was back just to turn his back and leave once more the next day.

"I guess I couldn't live without you", he replied, a smug smirk plastered on his face.

"Go fuck yourself, Han"

And with that, she stormed away.

Oh, was she hot when she swore. Was she hot when she walked away like this, pissed off, fists clenched, her hips swaying with the force of her walk. He could think of wonderful ways to blow off steam and rage that he'd be eager to help her with.

Chewie growled a question.

"No, Chewie. We're not leaving tomorrow".


	6. Drinking

**_AN:_** _This chapter ends the story. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, followed or favorited it. Enjoy the chapter!_

 **Millennium Falcon, 3 ABY**

She clearly didn't belong to that big piece of frozen nothing that Hoth was. He watched her hum softly a song he didn't know as she put away the dishes in the small, warm _Falcon_ 's galley and considered that this lifestyle suited her much better.

On their hasty retreat from Coruscant, where their diplomatic mission had not gone exactly to plan, the _Falcon_ had suffered severe damaging. They had had to use the backup hyperdrive to escape the Imperial freighters. It had saved their skin, but it had soon exhausted and now they couldn't jump to hyperspace anymore. At sublight speed, the duration of the journey had substantially increased. Han and Chewie had been working non-stop on the operational system, unsuccesfully: it was totally uncohoperative and for once Leia had not brought C-3PO along with her. It was on moments like this that Han truly understood the value of the goldenrod.

When he'd told Leia the bad news, she'd just sat back on the lounge and stretched her arms, a small sigh escaping her lips. She'd made herself busy and useful with the microfuser and doing the dishes every evening. On the third day he'd had to admit that they were not able to repair the ship.

"I know you're working hard", she'd said, "I can see it. But don't break your back. For once we're not about to die, we're not being followed and I don't have vital meetings to attend to in a short-term period. I guess it could be much worse".

Now, a response like that he had not expected. And as the days went by, she'd showed no sign of impatience. On the contrary, she'd comfortably settled in the slow, calm routine.

Now, as he watched her finish cleaning up the galley, he couldn't help thinking that no, she didn't belong to a rebel base at all. She belonged to a space ship. Precisely _his_ space ship.

"Han, your eyes are digging a hole through my back, would you please stop staring?"

Han smirked.

"Sorry, your Worship. It was a very nice view"

She turned, the sponge in one hand, the other clenched in a fist. At the thought that he was enjoying the view of her backside, her cheeks turned red and not only from anger.

"You're... Impossible!"

He took a step forward and leaned against the galley's door casing.

"You like me this way"

She just laughed at that and turned back to the galley's sink. It took him half a minute to register the fact that she had not chopped his head off as he had expected. Her relaxed state made his mind do backflips.

"Care to join me and Chewie for some games?"

"Sure. Give me a minute"

* * *

"I can't believe you never played sabacc"

"I'm a Princess. Princesses are not supposed to gamble"

"You'd be perfect for it, though"

"Why?"

Chewie growled his answer and Han laughed.

"What did he say?"

"He said: 'Cause you're cold and cruel"

She turned to Chewie, eyes wide in mock shock.

"Is this what you think of me?"

Chewie laughed and lightly – impressively lightly for his mastodontic appearence – patted her head.

"C'mon, your Highness: attention to me now. I'll explain you the rules"

They were quite simple, actually, but Leia could bet it took a lot of skill to win.

"We aren't playing with money, are we?"

"Of course not. Tonight we're playing what I call TAV"

She raised her eyebrows.

"That stands for...?"

" _The Alcoholic Variation_. Who loses drinks. Except Chewie, he doesn't drink"

"Why?"

"A wookie's body is incapable of digesting alcohol. It hurts their organs pretty badly. Besides, somebody should be sober and drive the ship if necessary"

Leia nodded.

"But, Han, I don't think I should be drinking..."

"C'mon, Princess, the shots will be small, I assure you"

She nodded skeptically, wondering what exactly she was agreeing to.

* * *

After a while, even though she'd been winning many of the rounds, she started to feel tipsy. She had drunk less than Han, but obviously his body was much bigger and more used to drinking than hers. He looked almost sober, only his eyes were a little shinier than usual.

On the contrary, she noticed she was starting to giggle stupidly for no reasons. It was quite out of character. Still, she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so light, so carefree. They had played and laughed in the most relaxed atmosphere they'd ever shared.

Chewie growled and got up. She turned to Han for the translation.

"He says he's going to get some rest while we're still up. Good nap, Buddy"

"Sleep well, Chewie"

They watched Chewie's figure retreat.

"So, Princess, do you want to win another round?"

She giggled and waved her hand in denial.

"Nah, I think I made you drink enough for tonight"

And she had drunk quite enough too. Her head was spinning in the most pleasant way.

"Yeah, you're quite good at it. You're almost surpassing the master here"

She helplessy giggled once more, but then a thought crossed her mind and suddenly she grew very serious.

"What?"

"I was just wondering what Mon would think of me playing sabacc"

Han huffed.  
"Please, don't mention that party spoiler while we're having fun!"

"She's not a party spoiler!"

"Right, she's not. She's just as boring as an article on how to grow crops on Dantooine"

That had her giggling a little again.

"Don't talk about her this way. I care about her"

"Yeah. I wonder how you manage"

"She's been my mentor and tutor since I first moved my steps into the Senate. She taught me everything I know"

Including how to make her life all work and no play, apparently. Han didn't feel like thanking Mothma for that.

"You don't have to feel guilty just because for once in your life you're having fun instead of risking your life for the Rebellion"

She sighed.

"I just don't want to let her down. She is... She's the closest thing to family that's left"

Han wondered if Mothma was maybe a little warmer with Leia. Maybe she treated her like a daughter, cared for her like a daughter. Maybe the bond was tighter than he'd thought.

"Leia, you're not her. And you don't coincide with the Rebellion"

Leia's response was just a dull stare and Han wondered if it was because of the alcohol or because she really didn't understand the concept.

"Never mind, Leia, probably it's just me who can't grasp how you devote yourself to a cause. You know, being a "selfish bastard" and stuff"

She looked him in the eyes for a moment, weighing his words.

"You're not a selfish bastard", she finally replied.

Han smirked quite bitterly.

"Well, your Highness, it's your own words!"

"I was wrong"

Han's jaw dropped at the dry and collected sound of her words, as if she had come to that conclusion after a long reflection. As much as he wanted to mock her for it, he couldn't. He'd spent the past few years repeating, like a mantra, to himself that he didn't want to change her mind about himself. But still she had, in the end, and somehow it touched his heart deeply and twisted it in ways he'd never known it could be twisted.

She watched him watch her, his eyes shining - was it really the booze? - and felt the need to explain.

"Luke told me how you saved Chewie"

Han rolled his eyes. The kid was going to get killed one day if he didn't keep his mouth shut.

Leia leaned on the table to get closer to him.

"Why do you hide the good that is in you, Han?"

Her words were just a whisper. Low. Soft. Intimate.

"It's not like that", he whispered back.

"Then how is it? Explain it to me, Han. I really don't understand"

He leaned back, trying to get some more space from her, some more oxygen to feed his brain. He took a deep breath.

"Look, it's very easy: it looks like a big thing I saved a wookie, but it's just a matter of perspective. It's good to you, but it was wrong to the Empire. I got thrown out of the Academy. It's not that I regret it. I don't. But I just acted on the spur of the moment, I didn't think much about it. I didn't ask myself if it was the right thing or not, I just did it. It looks like a big thing, but it's not. There's not much good in me anyway"

"Then why did you save him? If you didn't think about right or wrong, why did you do it?"

Han frowned. He didn't know, he didn't want to know and even if he knew, he surely wouldn't want to tell her. But her eyes were gazing expectantly into his: maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was how easily she got under his skin, but he felt compelled to say something.

"He was shouting... "

She touched his arm lightly.

"He was shouting, and I was the only one who understood what he was saying. There was no way I could not be moved. They all, my mates I mean, they would have done the same if they could understand"

He poured himself one more drink and downed it in one swallow. Her hand tightened her grip on his forearm, because she sensed there was more to it.

"And then... I had a life debt to pay in the memory of another wookie"

He paused to gather his thoughts, came to the conclusion that he'd said enough.

"And that's it"

Her eyes were still softly searching through his. A kind smile played on her lips, made him wonder what she had found.

"It turns out you're a man of honour, after all", she said.

He smiled in turn and shook his head.

"Do you miss him?", she asked.

"Who?"

"The wookie who died"

"Oh... It was a she"

"Do you miss her?"

He didn't know and, again, didn't want to know. He didn't like to feel, and surely he didn't like to show his feelings. But still, her eyes... Her eyes were so intense and his tongue so loose now...

"Yes. She taught me the language and... well... everything. Everything I knew back then. And what I had to learn on my own... I learned it the hard way"

She nodded, her lips a thin line of empathetic sorrow.

"Do you feel better now that you saved Chewie?"

He smiled bitterly. He knew what she wanted to know. If she won the war, would her life debt towards her dead planet be expired? Would it get better for her? Would the pain stop? He knew it wouldn't. He'd learned that two things - and two things only - couldn't be erased: pain and guilt. There was no way out of them.

"It never gets better. The dead never comes back. Your sorrow won't subside, your guilt won't go away. Time heals some of your wounds, but at the end of the day, after ten, fifteen, twenty years you'll still feel like you want to cry"

She nodded slowly and lowered her eyes, caught his hand in her own and squeezed it, softly caressing with her thumb his index finger. She didn't let it go and he didn't pull it away.

Minutes passed as they held hands and neither said a word. But still, one of the two had to lighten the mood, in the end, and Han took on the burden.

"Does this mean we're friends?", he asked, smirking at the sight of their locked hands.

Leia laughed and got up. She moved too fast for her still alcohol-fogged brain, though, and lost her balance. He caught her just in time.

"I don't think we will ever manage to be friends. I'd call it a truce – and thanks for catching me"

Han got up too and stepped closer to her. As he felt the heat radiating from her and took in the curves of her body, though they were barely visible in the large and amorphous clothes she was wearing, he got a clear clue as to why they could definitely not be friends.

"Still, you liked me tonight"

She blinked. The air had suddenly changed.

"I did"

He swallowed.

"Do you really want to go back to the base?"

As she smiled at his question and looked away, he knew that she didn't.

"You're feeling much better here"

She'd even gained some weight. She'd even slept eight hours one night.

"Han..."

"Run away with me"

The courage came from the tipsiness of course, but he'd dreamt of asking her that for a long time.

He watched her face be washed by emotions. He knew that she wanted to say yes and knew that she couldn't. He knew it all too well, but still he hoped, for the shortest second, that he could be wrong for once.

She touched his face, stroked her thumb against his cheek, brought his face down as she raised on her toes. His breath caught in his throat. She kissed his cheek tenderly and lingered there. Her lips brushed against his skin as she spoke.

"Good night, Han".


End file.
